stupid

Is it weird that I get really sad every time I leave Cal when visiting Phil? I know I will get to see him the next weekend, and I know I am lucky I have even that, because I think of Emma, and how she can't see Brandon for months at a time. Maybe I just really really like him. The nights we spend together are so nice. He makes me so happy, I feel so damned lucky. I am a cheesy goofball.

GROSS

So at work yesterday a roll of film was developed that had photographs of a nude girl roughly my age posing provocatively for the camera, in only a thong. Some images she is even touching herself. And to top it off, there is a SIX YEAR OLD in the background of these images in his pajamas in bed, watching this whole scenario go down. It is apparent that the child is the females son, due to other images. anyhow. GROSS. AWFUL. WRONG. They called the police, but the cops said that its not illegal and they can do nothing. Can't that be seen as like corruption of a minor or something at LEAST? Jesus this world is fucked.

Keeps gettin' better

So happy. With him. Jesus. (with Phil not Christ, har, har) So happy.


So here is the start of a new quarter. New projects, new year, new smoke free-me. And to being so goddamned happy my mouth is going to fall off my face. I am a turd.

teeter-tottering on the edge of what is really happening + new years resolving

So much has been going through my brain lately that I feel like reality is unclear. I feel like connections with certain people are slowly slipping away, and I sort of feel like they don't really care, so in return I am becoming indifferent as well. I guess that is kind of sad, but people grow up and move on and grow apart and such is life. But then last night happened and it made me revaluate the whole situation. Everyone was full of so much love and joy and togetherness and it made me miss being home all the time very much. Speaking of home, every time I go and stay with my mom I find it harder and harder to leave. Canonsburg has become my own little escape from the reality I have chosen in the city. Work has become quite mundane, but at least its liveable.

On Christmas my aunt told me she would give me 1000$ if I quit smoking in six months. I took the offer. It will be a week in 12.5 hours that I have gone without a cigarette. It has been extremely tough, but I feel accomplished. A week is the longest I have gone since I started when I was in high school. Phil has been really supportive about it as well. He told me he was proud of me for how far I have gotten, and the encouragement helps.

Speaking of Phil, I feel like he has become such a huge part of my life in more ways than just simply being my boyfriend. He has (unbeknownst to him) taught me to be more patient, and to let things grow and move on their own. I have also kind of become a little more reserved when it comes to drinking, because he doesn't drink at all, and honestly I don't miss it. We laugh together, have great conversations, the chemistry is there, and the communication is pretty solid as well. I don't think I could ask for more in a human being. I am not sure I want to tell him all of this simply becaues I don't want to freak him out and make him think I am obsessive. I am just evaluating what I am feeling and experiencing on a great level. I used to look at other couples and wonder how they got to be so lucky, but then I see what really goes on. I think of how Phil and I are really taking our time and becoming closer slowly and how that is usually how many great relationships start. Patience and communication are so important to this relationship, and I feel like I can really become better with both if I try my best.

So as a result, here are my resolutions:

1. QUIT SMOKING

2. Be patient and not screw up this relationship that has a lot of potential to be something really beautiful.

P.S. I got a new tattoo.